I’ve just finished reading my previous year’s resolution. I think I did a great job on that list. It supposedly was for college kids, and I realized how good it was. Because I enjoyed reading it at this age. And I am kind of surprised how wise I sounded. Yet here I am still with my new year resolutions for 2019. And I wonder if the most successful men still do that or they have done after a certain point with resolutions. Perhaps they figure things out, they know the solutions? I wish I knew the answer to that.
You know what I am still the pretty much same person. Aperantly, my resolutions are not working for me most of the time. I am not those people that they can change themselves easily. I think I am very strict about changes. You can see that from our move from New York. I still keep whining about it even though that’s still not for a certain change.
But I think I never give up as my dear babysitter says even though I don’t believe her. Apparently, she is right. Because there are certain things that no matter what or whatever happens I still believe in myself. This is why I still kind of fighting. I am maybe not the biggest fighter who is in the front row but I am still a fighter. I still try to break through from things that I don’t like about myself or my life.
This turned to more of an unburdening my mind practise. And I realized I much needed that. Even though I have thousands of followers through social media I sometimes feel so lonely. This is the only place that I feel like you know me better, you understand me better. Sometimes the feeling is just talking to air yet so calming and reassuring.
What was I talking? Yeah, New Year Resolutions for 2019.
– Finding a decent job. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy blogging. But I am not very good at keeping this thing as a professional job. I am mostly doing this for fun. I don’t have a schedule for shootings, postings. Of course, I take seriously when I have a sponsored post but most of the time this platform is an escape from my real life.
– Stop going crazy over things don’t matter like shopping. This is the thing I struggle most. As a fashion blogger, I am kind of becoming a representative of this system that encourages you to buy more, get the newest, latest, the most expensive coolest designer stuff. I realized that I am not getting any happier when I buy more and more. It gives me temporary satisfaction and I ask for more and more. So I have the Chanel shoes now, next I want that Chloe bag from Real Real. I got the Burberry coat, next I want that Jacquemus bag because It’s cute and had a huge discount.
It never ends!! I am going to find something else to pout my eye on. This goes like forever and ever? I have to stop this end this. So this is why I am going back to the roots of my blog. That is hidden in the next point.
– Talk more about technology. I have a couple of ideas on how to go back to my roots for this blog. I am planning to bring Weekly Internet History Lessons first thing next week. It’s very fun nothing over the head. Bring back to weekly technology news. Bring back to Technolgy reviews for fashion brands. How they incorporate technology into their brand etc. Very excited about this one.
– Live more with plans. This is something that I lack through my whole life. I need to stop this because now I have two kids who are going to learn things after me. And I don’t want them to turn out like me on this subject. This is going to put me in together but at the same time, I am going to spend more time with them. Even though I am not working full time. With my structureless way of doing things make me late for everything. And I don’t like myself like this. And I don’t know when I become this much a mess.
– Start seeing a therapist. This is probably one of the biggest things that I wanted to do for a very very long time. I just need someone to be a mirror to me and make me see things clearly. Really tired of blaming myself every single time when things go wrong. I feel like I need to love myself again.
– Take care of plants. I never have an ongoing hobby in my life. I was doing model planes when I was in high school, singing Turkish classical music for years with a local choir etc. But I feel like I always leave them in the middle. Never finished anything until the end. I wasn’t like this at all before. So I plan to take care of some plants and make them live at least for a year. It’s gonna be hard when keep travelling. But perhaps I can start with a cactus.
– Show my book to someone professional. As some of you know I have three stories that waiting for me to start writing. I finally start to write after a talk with my blogger and writer friend Suzanne Spiegoski. She gave me the advice of “just write something every day”. With a kick of hers, I start doing it just before we move from New York. I plan to do at least finish a couple of chapter of my books and show someone professional.
These are pretty much I want to change about my life. Am I too cynical? Do you guys understand me and feel in the same shoes in some points?
Do you have the same fears as I do?
Give me hope, and tell me everything is gonna turn out great in 2019. I really need a voice to help me.
Happy New Year my dear friends.
P.S. These photos were taken back in 2016. I kind of lost them, never had a chance to share them. Here it is one of my favourite shoots with dear Arriana.