Yes, I’m pregnant. It’s very interesting for me to share one of the most intimate things of my heart, of my family with the whole world. I have struggles to talk about my personal life openly from my blog. Because even though I share my daily looks and my daily routines with my followers, this is very different. But then, I decided to share my pregnancy story with the people who might have had the same struggles as I’ve had and keep them hopefully about their future on this very emotional topic in their lives.
This is my first successful and third pregnancy in all. I got pregnant for the first time last year in January. I learned that I’m pregnant with a test like everybody does for the first time. Wasn’t happy as I supposed to be (I don’t know if I have to be happy). Even though Fatih and I wanted a baby, probably I wasn’t fully ready to become a mom physiologically and emotionally so I was little stress out but I kept telling myself It’s the time for the baby. I kept staring cute babies at the street and love my best friend’s twins, but the idea of having a baby to myself is terrifying.
Because I’m a f*cking Virgo and I always overthink things. You say “baby”, I’ll start to think college tuitions in the US. Can you imagine how stressful I was? But in other ways, I was trying to be logical. My age is not getting any younger to have a baby. And I always wanted to become one of those very cool, young moms that you have probably seen from your class when you were a kid.
When I’ve gone to my doctor, they were not sure because my hormones show that I was pregnant but the level of hormones was decreasing. My doctor checked me with ultrasound, and she could barely see something instead of a baby. She told me that my pregnancy was a very very early miscarriage.
I didn’t know what to think. I was in relief in some ways but worried at the same time, because I was telling myself what kind of evil I was that I was kind of happy not to be pregnant. How can a human being carry all these emotions and be happy about the decisions she gives? Even though I was kind of happy I was not pregnant, we kept working on having a baby.
Without seeing a period after my first miscarriage I’ve got pregnant again. This time my breasts got bigger and very and very painful and I felt bloated. And this never happens to me even before my periods. I thought can it be? I did another test… and voila! I was pregnant once again. I was little shock about the ability of my body can easily get pregnant. This time I was calmer and thought I was meant to be pregnant. This was the message that my body gives me, “You should be pregnant now”.
We visited my doctor and officially learned that I’m pregnant for 5 weeks. I didn’t understand anything from my first miscarriage but this time I saw a little circle that beating with its heart. It was the most fascinating thing in my entire life. I’ve grown a life inside me and It had a heart without having any human shape. My doctor told us It had a very strong heartbeat, there wouldn’t be any problem for a 95% chance in this time. And she asked us to came back in 2 weeks.
We got its first handsome photo as a circle and put it to a frame immediately in our bedroom to keep in eye on it in every morning before starting a new day and the nights before going to bed.
In that two weeks I was still scared but at the same time very excited. I did what all the other pregnant women do. Like not drinking in company happy hour without telling everybody. I slept well, ate well and made small wishes about it, like who was gonna be look like the most etc. etc.
The time came after two weeks and we were very excited to see our little circle again and hear its only voice: Its heartbeat. I was looking at the screen of the ultrasound but there was no little winking and no sound. Apparently, this was another miscarriage. She added: “She is so sorry.”. I don’t know why I didn’t get it at that second. Maybe because English is not my first language maybe just because I didn’t want to accept to fact that I didn’t have a little living circle inside me anymore.
She rushed us to her office to discuss it. She already started to schedule a small procedure to see if my uterus had some kind of problem to hold to the baby or if the baby had so many issues and my body didn’t accept the baby etc… While she was telling me to if I could come for the procedure the day after, I was asking her If I lost my baby for the second time for sure. I was asking her:”Is there anything we can do to save it?”
Whenever I told this story to someone I still cry like a baby as I did whenIt happened to me while I lived every kind of emotions at the same time. Feeling sorry for your old self is one of the saddest things in life in my opinion.
I left everything in my office and gone home and gone to bed and waited to forgot everything while I was sleeping magically. When I got into bed I saw my little circle’s photo for the last time. When I woke up that evening, the photo was not there. Fatih removed any kind of proof that remind me that I was pregnant like he could remove my dreams, wishes and all emotions for my 5 weeks old baby. That’s the hardest part for dads, I guess. They can never fully understand what you live and we can’t really explain why It’s very hard to accept to lost an unborn child.
The next day I went New York Presbyterian Hospital for my procedure. I didn’t eat anything until 2 pm as my doctor told me, I don’t think If I could think to eat even she suggested the opposite. I talked a couple of people who was gonna join to my doctor during this procedure. They all tried to make me feel “It’s ok, and It’s happening every one woman in 100, experiences recurrent miscarriage”, “You shouldn’t think, this is your fault.” etc. etc.
My conscious accepts all these facts, actually. But my emotions couldn’t understand anything. I just wanted to cry and cry. It was very traumatic for me. I lost a baby for the second time and I was going to be put in a sleep for a procedure for the first time in my life. With an agonizing sadness, I started to feel afraid, what if I couldn’t wake up. Fatih told me that I’m gonna feel like the best sleep I’ve ever had in my life.
I remember I counted 10 – 9 – … and deep white blank. When I woke up I was feeling very funny. I remember I told to one nurse that she was a very good person. 🙂 I even didn’t know her until that day and don’t remember her name now.
The day after I felt a huge emptiness like nothing happened at all. And the day after that I started to cry like a baby. I don’t know how many times I cried. I saw something very stupid and that reminded me, my baby, and started to cry session over again. (even now I can’t help with my tears.) I still tried to think logical and kept calm, talking to myself as these were all because of my crazy hormones. I don’t think It was just hormones anymore. Whenever I talk to someone about my lost babies I started to cry today.
After another 2 weeks, I visited my doctor. She got the results. There was no problem with my uterus neither with the baby. Apparently, I have a secret thyroid problem. My hormone levels are not high as a thyroid patient must have but It was high enough to end my baby’s life. I asked my doctor if she did the same test when I lost my first baby. She told me my levels were normal in my first miscarriage. And this is the thing about this illness. Levels are not always same. This is why we are not considered as the thyroid patient.
She gave me a medicine to keep my levels stable and told me that I had to use this even after pregnancy because my breasts could stop producing milk. And she told us to wait for 3 months to get pregnant again.
Working for something special
We could have started to work on babies last July actually. I was kind of afraid to handle same problems again if something bad happens for some other reason. I was keep telling Fatih to wait for right time.
So what was the right time to have a baby? Of course waiting for the right sun sign. 🙂 I’m not kidding in this matter btw. I wanted my baby is born as Libra. The only Libra I know closely is my husband. And he is the most beautiful human being. Never keeps hatred, never overthink stuff, easy going, intellectual, hard worker, loving, caring, funny, strong… everything I can wish for from a husband. Because of him, I wanted my baby is born as a Libra.
So I kind of wait until this last winter. We have kind of become successful because our due date is September 28th.
But there is a tiny obstruction in our way of a Libra baby. Because,
We are expecting twin.